The good ''Bad Girl''

Good girl, ''Bad Girl.''

It's not your usual name.  Who would name their horse ''Bad Girl?''  Won't she believe she's always  in trouble?  Will she ever know when things go right?  I would think Bad Girl is a candidate for psychotic horse of the year.  She lives in the pasture just across the fence and likes to hang out nearby at the property line.  I like horses, so I stop by often to say ''hi.''  Like a true bad girl she's good at ignoring me.  So I started a subtle and persistent training program.  The lesson:  this man is not to be ignored.

We used to keep two equines on our untamed mesquite ranch, so I have a few sleeves up my trick.

First I tried outright bribery, but I discovered she doesn't like apples or carrots -- bad girl.  When she came out of her shelter to stand in a corner near the fence line, I figured she was trying to be sociable. But when she always pointed her back side toward me I figured again -- bad girl.  So I tried a little trick to get her attention.  And that's when things went from bad to silly.

First I tried the blind spot bother.  That's where you stand directly behind a horse so they can't see what you're doing -- comfortably out of hoof range.  They'll automatically turn the head to see what's happening.  Then you step aside slightly in the other direction so they still can't see you.  More nervousness as they look around in the other direction.  So you step aside again to the opposite direction to remain out of sight. Now the horse gets frustrated and turns around to see what you're up to.  At this point, Bad Girl walked up to the fence and let me scratch her ears, begrudgingly.

Now I don't profess to know much about women.  I've just been married to the same lady for over 40 years so my exposure is somewhat limited.  But I think you can learn some good lessons from a horse named Bad Girl.  Next time I approached this four footed female, I stepped back into the rear view blind spot.  Nothing.  No reaction.  So I reached down and rattled the barbed wire fence.  That got her attention.  Once again she turned around and let me pet her.  I simply had to up the ante.  Same thing for the next encounter.  No reaction from the blind spot and the fence rattle.  These had become too predictable.  So she just ignored me.  Now what?  In the dust at my feet were some small pebbles.  I picked one up and lobbed it onto Bad Girl's rump.  Jolt, turn around, scratch time.  I saw the pattern here, small escalations were needed every visit.

Now what would it take for the next encounter?  This time I picked up two pebbles.  And instead of lobbing one on her rump again when she ignored me, I rattled them together in my hand.  Uh, oh, something new.  This noise got her attention and she turned around and sniffed my hand for clues.  You can tell a lot about a person (or critter) by the company they keep.  Me with a self centered ''Bad Girl'' and she with someone she prefers to ignore.

Next visit she acknowledged the pebble rattle with a mere skin twitch.  Most visits end with her ignoring me.  I usually get a simple head turn, tale swish, or ear twist.  You have to learn to live with less.  But the pebble rattle still raises her anxiety.

I really don't want my relationship to Bad Girl to be based on irritation and hostility.  That's a sure invitation for frustration.  I'd rather she come up voluntarily for a scratch on the ears rather than turn and run or worse yet attack.  In short, I want this bad girl to feel good about me.  ''Come here and let me scratch your ears.  Scratch, scratch, scratch,'' is a dialog I use to appeal to her willing generosity as I hold my hand and wiggle my fingers -- this in association with using the words, ''scratch, scratch'' every time she does choose to come up and let me scratch her head.  Positive, meaningful association during a fun thing coupled with positive, meaningful association when I call her -- the two are beginning to work together better than escalating botheration.

In all of this the big question is how much translates into practical advice? I'm not entirely sure. Sometimes the more you talk, the less you say. The more you do, the less you accomplish.  But I'm not left without hope.  I plan to inquire further with the lead scout of the Male Search Party for Female Logic. That's sure to have all the goods on a bad girl.

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PS -- This report is now past history.  I sure wish I had gotten a picture of Bad Girl before her owner sought greener pastures elsewhere (without even letting me say good-bye which could have taken weeks the way the two of us communicated).  The miniature pony above is the latest tenant to arrive unannounced with two other buddies.  He already took an apple bit from my hand.  Stay tuned for future life affirming observations.